Put the plumper one in the goal. Clamp the ball to the head. To repeat.
Evaluation: send to Fatty Foulke.
20: Sport climbing
A newcomer this time: These people are really good at getting things done quickly. The sport certainly cries out for a backstory / scandal about a medalist who is a reformed cat burglar. One of several Olympic sports (boxing, shooting, synchronized finger-smithing) for which a criminal past would be good preparation.
Rating: Not for acrophobia.
19: Trampoline gymnastics
Bring the leisure center onto the international sports stage. Trampoline is a fun and healthy activity for all ages and, much like his power animal tobogganing at the Winter Olympics, looks like it could happen to you instead of actively doing it.
Rating: meaty, beautiful, large and bouncy.
18: Beach volleyball
Cool cousin of other volleyball players. A sport anyone can do when they have a ball, swimming trunks and a beach.
Rating: most dramatic sand spectacle since Lawrence of Arabia.
17: Racing cycling
Not as good as the Tour de France, but Great Britain is always there.
Scoring: Giant stacking is always possible.
Surfing finally gets a chance at the Olympics. Depended on decent waves. I hope to have some excellent “Woah Dude” interviews with the competitors after the event.
Grapplin ‘! And not the way stunned 300-pound actors hit each other with folding chairs. Tough, oiled men from Kazakhstan hold each other tight until someone asks for mercy. One of those sports that you’re just happy to see from thousands of miles away.
Evaluation: professional interest.
14: table tennis
Quite a rare Olympic sport that most people have tried before, possibly in a campsite, possibly in a youth club. Lets you see how amazing things Olympians are, a sense of connection you don’t get in pole vaults for example.
Rating: most of the 1970s sport on offer. Strong orange squash and wagon wheel vibes.
13: ice hockey
Gloriously vibrant royal blue pitch can make you feel like you’re watching Premier League Years during an acid flashback, Britain seems good at it, it’s football enough that you can take in the ebb and flow of the tide. Epic face masks.
Evaluation: Where were the Germans, but to be honest, who cares?
Almost every article or TV report about rowing seems to be quick to claim defensively that “It’s not just fancy Oxbridge people, you know, ahahaha”. Whatever you say, your grace. Actually pretty good on TV because it scrolls horizontally like an old-fashioned Daley Thompson decathlon game.
Rating: which one is Cambridge?
Most of us have, and these people do it without being yelled at by a sadistic game teacher, picking up a brick, or getting a verruca. It could be argued that there are too many events: if you fell off a boat, you wouldn’t care if you came to the life raft doggy-paddle or like a frog, would you?
Review: Then enjoy an incredibly hot drink in a tiny beige mug from the machine.