There’s a brand new hub on the world wide web where you can share your thoughts just for them to be evaluated by data bots trying to sell you some transitional fall clothes in two to four weeks. You’ve almost certainly heard of it. It’s called Threads and its meta-reaction on Twitter as Twitter continues to sink in the quicksand of an Elon Musk business plan.
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Launching on July 6, Threads was almost instantly populated by celebrities, brands, and plebeian Twitter refugees looking for a Musk-free platform. I was immediately suspicious of the speed at which the migration was occurring: Does Meta incentivize celebrities to join or post on the platform? There’s just no way Oprah and Karlie Kloss, who are both already on Threads, would love to use it. Unfortunately, Meta did not respond to my request.
Since Threads is linked to Instagram, users can import their followers from there, which means the popular kids stay popular. Threads is perfect for celebrities who are comforted by Instagram’s sterility and not yet ready to face TikTok’s algorithmic chaos. I can’t imagine the rise of anyone @drill or @Horse_ebooks Equivalents on this new platform.
For full disclosure I have not joined the threads. Medically, my brain and thumbs can’t handle any other social media platform. There’s also the fact that threads is not legal in Europe because of the rules on data sharing, which worries me a bit. But in all honesty, the real reason is that I haven’t seen a single funny, funny, or messy post that would have tempted me to share more of my information with Meta.
Screenshot: Ellen DeGeneres’ threads
In fact, the content coming out of threads and onto the platforms I’m still on actively discouraged me from staying away. “Welcome to Gay Twitter,” posted talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. What? “I am a firm believer that true love exists and is forever real. What mantras do you live by?” Jennifer Lopez (or someone who is employed by Jennifer Lopez) wrote late last week. OK? Dane Cook babbled on like the new platform was a new planet. “Shit, I could actually have fun today,” he wrote. I’m not inclined to spend time anywhere where Dane Cook is having fun.
Screenshot: Dane Cook’s thread
I know this criticism is strong and coming from someone who is still actively using Twitter during the Musk era, but Thread’s early posts make me long for the early, chaotic, unfiltered days of the Vogel app. Before that, celebrities were fluent on social media and before that hamburger chains After we got into a fight with each other (sorry), there was glorious chaos on the app.
Previous celebrity tweets had no ulterior motive or branding aspect. Nobody had tried to make money with us – or at least they hadn’t figured out how to do it yet. Celebrities tweeted like hour-old colts learning to use their legs: aimless and adorable. (They were just like us!)
“We’re about to go to Wales for four weeks,” Tom Holland told us in his very first tweet in 2009. Love that for you Tom! In 2011, Martha Stewart shared a photo of a cow along with the letter L. (One of life’s great blessings is that the tweet remains above.) Lena Dunham pioneering work done Killing culture early by posting a photo of herself wearing a scarf like hijab in 2012. Almost everything Kevin Durant has always tweeted reminds me that he is actually the one running his twitter account, including his 2011 Offer Drinking Scarlett Johannson’s bath water.
Twitter’s crazy beginnings were largely due to the fact that none of us had much social media experience. The joke of the skeptics at the time was something like: “Why do I care what someone had for lunch?” And we didn’t care! But we found out anyway! Tom Holland spent four weeks in Wales. It is information so useless that its real harmlessness is enchanting. He doesn’t ask us to sell ourselves anything or promote a tour. It’s just where he’s going to be. It’s as useful as a text message from your dad alerting you to a frozen pea sale at your local grocery store. copy that
And even as things calmed down in the years that followed and prominent brands banded together around their social media personalities, that lawlessness still remained ingrained in the platform’s DNA. In 2015, Kylie Jenner was quiet challenging answers about chemtrails. In April this year, Oscar winner Jessica Chastain crowd sourced Recommendations for a Chinese teacher in New York City.
The early days of Threads had none of that messy joy; It’s significantly filtered, making it significantly less attractive. As I said, the speed at which celebrities have jumped on this new horse strikes me as suspicious. It’s not her first rodeo. They know how to capture followers based on user engagement data. (It’s also so boring. It’s like everyone is Brie Larson tweet, “Who said food can’t be fun?” It triggers an angry “What the hell are you talking about?” from me, which is very different from the enchanted “What the hell are you talking about?” I ask after seeing Martha’s L/Cow tweet.)
I’m not on social media to find out about tour dates or upcoming films. I want to share a little glimpse into the weird, contradictory, and boring selves of celebrities, but I guess those days are over. I don’t care what J.Lo says with her mantra, and if Threads has that to offer, my mantra is “I’ll never sign up.”
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