Emily Ratajkowski explains her initial fears about having a boy or a girl.

Emily Ratajkowski announces pregnancy in a powerful essay

Emily Ratajkowski is expecting her first child with Sebastian Bear-McClard. The model revealed the news in a very personal essay for Vogue explaining why she doesn't want to reveal the baby's gender.

“When my husband and I tell friends I'm pregnant, their first question after 'congratulations' is almost always,' Do you know what you want? "We like to answer that we only know the gender when our child is 18 years old and that they will then let us know," writes Ratajkowski, 29. "Everyone laughs about it. Our line, however, has a truth that points to possibilities that is much more complex than the genitals our child might be born with: the truth that, ultimately, we have no idea who – and not what – is growing in my womb. Who will that person be? For what kind of person do we become parents? How will they change our lives and who we are? This is a wondrous and terrifying concept that makes us both helpless and humble. "

The Gone Girl actress continues: “I like the idea of ​​imposing as few gender stereotypes on my child as possible. But no matter how advanced I hope, I understand the desire to know the gender of our fetus; It feels like the first real chance to take a look at who they might be. Since my body is changing in bizarre and unfamiliar ways, it is comforting to receive information that will make what is to come more real. "

Emily Ratajkowski explains her initial fears about having a boy or a girl. (Photo: Reuters)

Ratajkowski says she introduced herself almost automatically that I had a daughter.

"To be completely honest," I tell my husband over dinner, "I'm not sure if I even know I want a girl." I think I'd never really thought about having a boy, ”she recalls.

"I worry that a girl as your daughter will be very busy," replied her husband, noting, "that's a lot of pressure."

"I will never let this be a problem," I tell my husband, but I can't help but worry, "continues Ratajkowski." I still regularly fight unconscious and internalized misogyny and I find myself doing it How I measure the width of my hips against that of another woman. Who should say I can protect my daughter from this? "

The story goes on

Ratajkowski calls pregnancy "inherently lonely" and notes that this is "not entirely true" even though Bear-McClard says "we are pregnant".

“I am ultimately alone with my body in this experience. There is nobody who feels it in me – the sharp muscle aches in my lower abdomen that come out of nowhere while I watch a movie, or the painful heaviness of my breasts that greet me first thing every morning now, ”she writes. "My husband has no physical symptoms in" our "pregnancy, another reminder of how different life experiences can be between a woman and a man."

After going through an Instagram rabbit hole with gender-revealing videos, the model wondered if girls are "generally scary to dads" and why "mini mes" are "so universally appealing".

"I am afraid of having a son too, if not in the same way. I know far too many white men who move around the world without knowing their privilege, and I have been traumatized by many of my experiences with them," adds Ratajkowski added, "And boys too; it's shocking to see how early boys get a sense of authority – on girls' bodies and on the world in general. I'm not afraid of raising a bad guy, like many of the men I know who abuse their power do so inadvertently. But I am afraid of inadvertently cultivating the negligence and unawareness that are so convenient for men. It is much more daunting to understand privilege in a child as teaching simple black and white morality. How do I raise a child who learns to like themselves and at the same time teach them about their position of power in the world? "

Although she "is concerned about having a boy," Ratajkowski shares that she thought she had a boy early on. However, she doesn't tell the reader whether her guess is correct – or whether she found out.

"Everyone has opinions about what to expect from a boy or a girl," she explains, later adding, "But I don't like us imposing gender biases on people, let alone babies. I want to be a parent to that allows my child to show himself to me, and yet I realize that my child can hope to determine his own place in the world, but will definitely be confronted with the undeniable constraints and constructions of sex before speak it or, damn it, be born at all. "

Ratajkowski says she has tried all her life to use “magical thinking” as a coping mechanism.

“I always used magical thinking when I wanted something to go a certain way. Now, however, I am not trying to imagine a pink or blue blanket in my arms. I am too humble to have misconceptions about control, ”she concludes. "I am utterly and undeniably helpless when it comes to almost everything that surrounds my pregnancy: how my body will change, who my child will be. But I am surprisingly undisturbed. Instead of being afraid, I feel a new sense of the Peace. I am already learning from this person in my body. I am full of miracles. "

The model showed her digital Vogue cover on Instagram and wrote: "Grateful and growing."

Ratajkowski also gave fans an insight into her pregnancy journey so far in a video by Lena Dunham.

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