I’m floating around in my empty head with more get-rich-quick plans than a six-year-old congressman. I was recently discussing my latest trick of getting rich without working with a group of calloused cowboys who had gathered around me at the Beef Palace restaurant.
“Food Futures,” I exclaimed. “This is how we all get rich.”
“You’re dumber than a bag of hammers,” said my friend Drip. We call him Drip, by the way, because he’s always annoying and you can’t turn him off. “They already invented futures markets.”
“No, beer breath, they invented commodity futures markets. I’m talking about food futures. let me explain. Let’s say a Chicago tide dealer knew he was going to eat ham for Thanksgiving or prime rib for Christmas, and he wanted to make sure he got one. I would sell him a ham futures contract for delivery in November that would ensure his family didn’t have to eat turkey for Thanksgiving. But food futures wouldn’t just be for holidays. If a New York investment banker knew his anniversary was coming up and wanted to take his showgirl wife out to a hamburger to celebrate, he could buy a Big Mac contract to make sure they didn’t get stuck with chicken nuggets. It would be a hedge against eating tofu.”
“Yes, but what if he got divorced in the meantime and didn’t want to go out alone?”
“He would have the right to sell his contract to someone else… for a small commission, of course. There will be dessert futures, salad futures, glass milk futures and cookie futures, and who better to control them than the ranchers and farmers who produced the food in the first place?”
Drip warmed to the idea. “Yes, the first thing the urban investor will do each morning is read the Wall Street Journal to see how his December rump roast is shaping up.”
“And the prices would not be controlled in Chicago either. Cheese slice futures would be determined in Fresno and pork chop futures out of Des Moines. But the best part is that we would never have to borrow money from bankers again.”
“Why not?” asked drip.
“Because we get an upfront commission for selling the futures contracts, and if we need money to buy drugs or fix the truck, we just issue a margin call.”
“You mean if I had to borrow money to buy a new bull so my cows could have sex regularly I would just have to ask?”
“It’s not that simple. What you would do is leak a story that your bull is shooting blanks and the speculators in New York are worried about their January roast beef sandwich lunches and are asking you to pay their money take to make sure they get their lunch.”
“What a scam. But aren’t you afraid the FBI or CFTC will handcuff you?”
“Oh, I’m sure that once the idea catches on we’ll have to pay a few politicians, but it’s worth the risk, believe me. And the futures industry can’t say that food futures are a bad thing because they’ve spent a fortune telling us all how great they are. Farmers and ranchers are finally going to make fortunes wearing three-piece suits all the time.”
“Farming could be as good as it was before it even invented the damn things of the future,” Drip speculated in a dreamy haze. “And with farmers and ranchers in charge, food prices will once again be controlled by supply and demand. What a revolutionary thought!”
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