The US economy is recovering after the Fed released a lengthy list of all the fun things money can buy

WASHINGTON — Signaling investors that the US economy was going to be hot for the foreseeable future, the Federal Reserve reportedly fueled a market rebound on Friday after releasing a lengthy list of all the fun things money can buy can buy. “Speedboats, video games, ice cream with sprinkles, Rolex watches, Blu-ray box sets,” said Fed Chair Jerome Powell, still wearing a Ray-Ban during a presentation that sent stock indexes and consumer confidence soaring -Put on sunglasses Carrying their price tag, they picked up a shopping bag filled to the brim with what he described as “just a few of those kickass things anyone can buy, anytime.” “Nunchucks. Air Jordans. Cars – nice cars too. Not just bad used ones. Cheese burger. Helicopter rides if you have enough money. A beautiful seersucker suit. Huge TVs. Just huge. Large subwoofer. Robot vacuum cleaner. You can even use it to buy porn! Anyone can do it. They’re not stopping you.” As of press time, reports confirmed that Powell’s speech had resulted in several dozen Americans being trampled to death as the stomping nation tried to get all the great stuff.