Hello, marketing person or producer or whatever you do. Let me guess: you just LOVED The Last Dance, and you especially LOVED those sweet reviews and engagement. Remember, we were in the early days of a pandemic and sporting events were canceled and people were scared and bored and looking for shiny things to pay attention to; The numbers don't lie. People loved The Last Dance; They love Michael Jordan, the 1990s Chicago Bulls, Dennis Rodman's antics and never-before-seen footage. But more importantly (for your bottom line), they love stories about the athletes and teams they used to watch.
The business of sports documentaries has changed a lot and is no longer tied to any kind of journalism, facts or even proper context. And that's where we come in, Mr. Money. Thanks to our highly scientific Nielsen analytical system obtained through the Deadspin divorce, we have used math and science to distill the common essence of all these popular sports documentaries, which can now help craft the perfect celebrity sports documentary, that you can use and use and reuse. And God knows, ESPN and those streamers need the content; Stephen A. Smith has run out of '90s cartoons to discuss.
Charmed? Then let's get started.
Step 1: You need to choose a suitable topic. It could be Magic Johnson, Bill Russell, the Shaq and Penny era Orlando Magic, Barry Sanders, Coach K, the Fab Five, the New England Patriots – whatever. You want to pick teams that are synonymous with winning or with the time they didn't win. Absolutely no losers! This isn't Jon Bois' amateur hour, leave the graphics about how the Jordan-era Bobcats lost to him. It's about celebrating a culture of success to inspire the next generation.
Step 2: Invite as many speakers as possible. You can edit out the ones that don't work later in the post. Make sure they reflect all the clichés fans love to hear, like “championship grit” and “sacrifice” and that “winning isn’t easy.” And of utmost importance is making sure they emphasize how different the world is between then and now. You can do this by having them repeat that this happened “before social media and the internet.” Encourage them to say something like, “Making SportsCenter top 10 was my Instagram.”
Step 3: In many ways, people are complicated and there are no easy heroes or villains, but for our entertainment it is important to establish a hero who won all the championships on his own and/or a villain who completely ruined everything . One suggestion: Play a lot of dark music when someone comes on that the audience should boo. Another option is to fill the episodes with lots of tall tales and damning fables and even more flattery about the best player. Of course, don't let the star do this, because he has to maintain modesty. Let the other speakers do this for themselves. Which brings us to our next point…
Step 4: Celebrities! Pack your sports documentary with lots of famous faces. Every fan base should have at least one famous fan. Jordan has Presidents Obama and Clinton, Bob Kraft has Rupert Murdoch for The Dynasty, and even Barry Sanders has Eminem in his documentary for some reason (fun fact: he's never heard of football). If you need options, Defector is happy to provide you with a range of famous names ready to impersonate a fan of a team, coach or player of your choice. Our Rolodex is deep. We have Bill Burr on standby now.
Step 5: Back to the Doc's villain – no one is particularly interested in his side of the story. People will have already decided to hate them. When they share their truth, just try to avoid them as much as possible. Honestly, it's even better if you can link them to some kind of cover-up, like the murder of several people by one of their players! If the villain of the story refuses to participate/get involved or is dead for some other reason, consider it a win.
Step 6: Now this instruction comes directly from corporate America: It is important that our hero's figure looks great. If he says something bad, turn it into a positive. Don't push too hard about (for example) any gambling problems, any Trump affiliations, anything political (racial or gender-based, and definitely don't ask about transsexuals), any infidelity, any massage parlor visits, or any violent crimes they've been accused of in court were relieved. You can, of course, ask, but do so carefully so that you can say you asked without upsetting your subjects. Remember: the success of your documentary depends on your star. We don't want to make them look as bad as the corrupt media.
Step 7: We are here to inspire people, not to depress them with reality. You must know that victory is not a coincidence, but the result of the willpower of the very best athletes who are better than us. Do not forget that.
Step 8: If all else fails or even succeeds, fill the document with pop music. People just want to add highlights to their favorite songs.
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